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Week 14: The Worst News Expected

March 20, 2015

I have been waiting for Thursday for the last two weeks. Everyday has been a countdown to Thursday at 4 pm, because it is when we finally get the chance to see our little boy/girl through the belly ultrasound. It’s all I could think about to see the cute 10 little fingers, 10 little toes, little and tiny, perfect.
Unfortunately that’s not how the ultra sound went.
As I laid on the table the ultra sound tech was struggling to get the baby into view on the machine. She was pushing and pushing and the views didn’t look right. The baby was so so small and what made my heart sink the most. The baby wasn’t moving. She did her best to remain professional and mention that she just needed another angle with the cross-vaginal ultrasound wand to get the measurements but as soon as I saw the size measurements under week 10 during the initial ultra sound my heart dropped. Something isn’t and wasn’t right. She tried to remain up beat and asked me to wait while she went and got my doctor.
Jason did amazing standing there holding my hand trying to reassure me that it didn’t mean anything and to not cry — but our fears were confirmed 5 minutes later during the cross vaginal ultrasound.

There was no heartbeat.

The chromosome and genetic testing from earlier in the month confirmed that it was a little girl. No abnormalities from the tests they had run. Perfect with little hands and feet. Just oh so tiny and much smaller than she should have been. No heart beat. She’s already in heaven with her little brother or sister from 2 years ago.

The conversation changed dramatically from hope to next steps and options. The rest of the evening is just a crying blur as is much of last night and early this morning.

We are going back into the doctor this morning. While I’m hoping and praying for a miracle, that the ultrasounds were wrong and the measurements are off.. that my little girl is still with us…

I don’t want to end this on such a sad note. My heart is aching and crying out for comfort, but I know that God is with us. I don’t know his plan, and I’m very sad that we aren’t going to get the chance to meet our little girl. In a way I wish I were angry and that I had something to blame, but I’m not. I’m filled with grief for the daughter I won’t get the opportunity to raise and watch grow. BUT I’m hopeful for another chance and opportunity in the future.

I’ve been lying in bed with tears in my eyes and my heart keeps on coming back to a sermon that pastor mike taught several years back talking about blessing. I remember chuckling along with the crowd as he made a reference to individuals singing along to Matt Redmond’s Blessed Be Your Name and when people get to the lyrics “You Give and Take Away” that people don’t want to sing you take away.

While she is gone. I do want sing blessings. In December the doctors told us that we couldn’t get pregnant — 4 weeks later I was pregnant. While we won’t get to meet her in this life it was a blessing. I’m hoping and praying that someday I can come to full term with a pregnancy so that Jason and I get the opportunity to be parents. We have been so blessed in many other ways. I want to leave with that word of encouragement. Count your blessings. While one blessing is gone, God has blessed us all in so many ways…. and if you see me, and my eyes are red and swollen just give me a hug.

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From → Personal

2 Comments
  1. Estelle Esparza permalink

    I am so very sorry Christi, I’m wishing for a miracle for you. I had a hard time conceiving and experienced two miscarriages at around the 12 week mark as well and then it took four years for me to finally get pregnant again. No words make it better, I know, but I do want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story and I’m praying for you that everything will work out in the end soon for you.

  2. aroutly permalink

    When there’s pain in the offering . . .

    That’s the line that pierces me. Because sometimes it really hurts to worship. And that’s when we most need to.

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