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My Miscarriage Memorial Garden

March 28, 2015

Remember My Lost Babies

On Saturday, March 21st I had one mission and it was that I wanted to find a beautiful and perfect little pot to use as a memorial garden. Since Overlake Hospital wouldn’t allow us the ashes or remains of the baby, I wanted something to use as a memorial — gone but in our hearts and not forgotten. Now that we’ve lost a second little one I wanted to acknowledge both the unknown gender first baby lost and our little girl from this last weekend.
I walked around Molbacks looking at the entire selection of pots and found a beautiful pot that was light blue with traces of pink and purple in the ribbed edges. It was exactly what I was looking for — not overly girly and something not too big and monstrous that we can take it with us wherever we move to. 🙂 So here it is:

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Light purple tulips in the middle, surrounded by voilets, and button daisies. After the tulips bloom and fade we’re going to put a light pink begonia in the center of the pot. 🙂

What’s in a Name?

Last weekend one of the things I was struggling with was do we name our lost baby and what name do we give it. For 8 weeks I rotated between talking to the baby in my belly by calling it Peanut, Roy and Hazel. Do we stick with the names that we had been calling the baby ourselves and save them for our hopeful next surviving baby? Is it horrible of me to even think that? I know that its not a “lost” name, but its a name that we won’t get to call out and talk about on a regular basis.
Jason has always said that if we have a little boy he wants to name him Roy to honor his Grandfather who was a pivotal male figure for him growing up. I’ve had a long long long list of girl names over the years everything from a good strong German name like Wiebke or Elke, to Tabitha, Madeleine, Franziska, Elsa… I could go on and on for little girls. Right around the time we moved back to Washington in 2013, we lost my Grandma Hazel Louise. While my grandma never fell in love with the name Hazel, I’ve liked it and thought it would be a cute name for a spunky little girl full of sugar and spice. So with that in mind I’d been calling my little bump Hazel just in case it was a girl and not a little boy like Jason was thinking it was. The biggest question for me was do we stick with the original chosen names?
The answer I kept on coming back to was Yes. I’ve been calling her Hazel for the last 8 weeks and it seems odd to write a different name down on the memorial board that I was creating just so I could use Hazel for another daughter at a later point in time. We had been searching middle names for names that meant something specific and I fell in love with MAE as a derivation of Mary which means “WISHED FOR CHILD”. I couldn’t have choose a better name since we have been praying and wishing for a little baby for the last 5 years. MAE or MARY or MOIRA a wished for child.
Then the question came up as what do we call the little one that we lost in May of 2013? We didn’t know if it was a boy or girl. Jason liked the idea of Angel because in Spanish it can be a boy or in English is it is a little girl and so Angel it is.

Does this help with grieving? For me it has. I don’t know if we should or should not do a “blessing” but giving her a name and putting something I can see together to remember her is a start. I’ll never be happy that we lost her. I’m struggling with praying for thanks right now because I’m not thankful at this moment in time. I know that will change. I’m ready to hear from the geneticist if they can figure out what went wrong or why her heart stopped. God wanted her to be with him, and someday I’ll get to meet her. For now I’m accepting the change and trying to smile and remember to be greatful for what we do have, which is a lot. I am accepting that the changes that I was ready for will not be happening YET, but with luck and prayer I’m hoping that they will happen. I’m ready for that next phase of life. Was I sad that I couldn’t have beer, wine or coffee? No. I had a glass of wine with dinner last night and it tasted like sweet syrup after not having any for such a long time. It’s been hard to go back and think of what we’ll be doing now this summer since I had already started to prepare for everything we’d need to do to prepare for the baby. This summer was going to be full of birthing classes, baby showers, getting the baby room ready, the mind numbing task of choosing baby seats and baby strollers, preparing the pups for the new arrival… I had already decided to not sign up for any races other than a few 5K’s which I would decide day of race if I would run. But now, plans have changed and I dont’ know what I’ll be doing other than trying to get pregnant again, hoping and praying that this time it doesn’t take another 19 months for the opportunity to be parents again.

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